This morning I woke up at 6:41 in an excruciating amount of pain. I was light-headed, nauseous, and I had cramps like I had never experienced before. I stumbled to the bathroom and thought for sure that I was going to throw up and pass out. The pain got worse and worse, and all I could do was writhe in the shoots that came every time I move, and the constant pain that stayed when I was still. I wish this was a piece for creative writing, but it was all too real just 8 hours ago. I climbed into the tub and turned on the cool water, but I still felt the cramps and the heat. I couldn't think of what could possibly be wrong, and then I thought of appendicitis. NO! I cannot go to the hospital today and miss Chris's funeral tomorrow! I can't NOT be there for him! I screamed out to God and begged that he take this pain away. I can't deal with this! I can't do it anymore! I called my mom in to the bathroom and tried to explain what the pain felt like, but I just felt like I was screaming through the pain and not making any sense. I called in sick to work and finally was able to pull myself out of the tub, after mustering up the strength that came from deep deep down. I stumbled onto the couch in my parents room, my mom got me a blanket, Gatorade, and a cold washcloth for my forehead. Still in tremendous amounts of pain, I tried to lay down and settle into a bearable position. I took some heavy duty Tylenol, ate some pretzels, and drank some Gatorade before I started to feel the pain start to slowly leave me. It was probably a half hour before I moved again and came to the bed to lay down. I was able to extend my legs and relax more of my muscles, and before too long, I was finally back asleep. I woke up again around 11am, feeling as if I'd spent the entire morning purging my stomach. I still feel very sore, and my mom wonders if maybe I was having intestinal spasms. I don't know what it was or why it was happening, but I do know that whatever it was, God heard my cry and He took that heart-wrenching pain away. I know that life is going to be difficult, but if I cry out to Him in desperation, He will listen, and He will deliver me.

It's nice to have attractive male friends, but it'd be nicer to have an attractive boyfriend.

I was reminded today that my emotions have a ridiculous amount of control over my body. I also was reminded that I have incredibly nurturing, protective, and comforting instincts. I wanted to get in my car this morning and drive to Maryland to be with my friend who has been dealt quite a shitty hand by life lately. I was there with him just over a week ago, and it was so incredibly difficult to leave that Friday afternoon. Even as I type this, I fight back tears and wish that I was sitting on the couch with him watching a movie or just talking. It kills me to know that he has to deal with people that put themselves before others. I can't even begin to understand why things have happened this way, but I just keep feeling like it's too much for him. It's not fair! When a few bad things happen it's just hard times, but when bad things continue to happen over and over, it's just not fair. I want to be holding him...him holding me...us holding each other, just so he can feel comfort or safety. I want there to be more good things in his life. He deserves to feel joy and peace. So tonight I pray that he feels peace and comfort in the midst of all this pain. ILY